The POC's Random GW OneShot Comedy Collection
by pathetic otaku child
Summary: Pretty self explanatory title.  Random oneshots on crack.  These stories are also probably detrimental to your health. Rating's to be on the safe side for the future.
1. Disclaimer and Warnings

TAMARE!

You are about to enter the POC's GW one-shot comedy collection.

Proceed at your own risk.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I also am not responsible for any harm that comes to the readers, whether physical, mental or spiritual.

Warnings: Anything and everything. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


	2. In Which The Gundam Boys Go to Therapy

In Which the Gundam Boys Go to Therapy

_Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any part thereof. I do own the therapist however…that sounded weird…Well, I'm not sure if I own her either, as she is basically one of my friends…hmmmm….._

_A/n: I was rambling about GW to my mom the other day and I said " Y'know, I don't think a single person on the show is sane. Maybe one of the random people passing by in a crowd scene but I doubt even that…….I know ! They should go to therapy!"_

_Another thing is that I think all of them have a Personal Stalker. Treize and Noin stalk Zechs. Une stalks Treize. Sally stalks Wufei. Hilde stalks Duo. Quatre and Trowa stalk each other. Everyone stalks Heero, especially Relena. Dorothy stalks EVERYONE. And the list goes on…_

"NNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII???!!!???!!!"

"Please Duo, no need to get so upset," Doctor G. pleaded. "It's just a dash of therapy. For all of you," he added pointedly, looking at the other four teenagers, hoping that they wouldn't put up a fight, but expecting that they would anyway.

Unfortunately, he was right.

"INJUSTICE! I know that I for one have no need for such an asinine thing," the Chinese boy present huffed.

"It would help with those complexes of yours," O. muttered.

"Huh?" all five boys asked at the same time, staring at the doctors.

Quatre smiled nervously, ran a hand through his bangs and queried, "Who ever said that we had such issues?"

The doctors only sighed and didn't dare to look at the blonde's shimmering eyes. Doc J. turned to Heero. "Heero, your mission is to get yourself and the other pilots to the appointment on time, without too much fuss, and ….try to make them behave." With that he sighed and handed the boy a white object.

Heero stared at the paper fan. "Mission… accepted….but what's this for?"

The doctor looked a little sheepish. "I got the idea from a TV show last night…anyway…just hit them with it if they start acting up. And do NOT let the others get their hands on it, especially Duo…Or Wufei." Then he and the other old men walked off, mumbling something about it being a good thing they hadn't had a gun to give him. And about having found the cheapest therapist around.

The boy stared at the harisen another moment before shrugging slightly and attaching it to one of his belt loops.

_Much kicking and screaming, several fan beatings and approximately one hour later…_

Dr. Kylee ushered the five boys in, chattering away about how happy she was to see them (and take their money). She motioned for her newly acquired victims—er—_patients_ to sit down.

"I'm so glad you could come. Therapy is very good for you, y'know."

Several of the boys raised skeptical eyebrows, and there were a few murmurs of "Oh, really?" and "Psh, yeah, lady."

The doctor somehow managed to glare at all of them at the same time, giving Heero a run for his money with a look that reminded everyone disturbingly of a full force, patented "Omae o korosu" glare. "Oh, really? I happen to have an antique TV show vid-clip that will prove you WRONG!!!"

The group of boys collectively sweat dropped as the therapist viciously stabbed at the remote, starting the clip.

Show Host: Hello. Welcome to my show.

Tom Cruise: Good…day? (looks confused) Yeah, Day! Good Day! (smiles proudly)

SH: So…we're talking today about health habits. Do you eat fruits and vegetables often?

TC: Hmm, yeah, I eat mushrooms and pineapples every week.

SH: Mushrooms and pineapple?

TC: Yes, of course

SH: Uhh…I find that interesting

TC: I find your mom interesting!

SH: Um…thanks…I guess. Next Question: How often do you play sports?

TC: I don't play sports!

SH: But that's not healthy!

TC: So? I'm an eggplant! (heh)

SH: That's…………uh...healthy I guess…So…what do you usually drink?

TC: I drink a lot of alcohol! Vodka and rum and whiskey and beer and brandy and-

SH: Don't you drink milk?

TC: Milk?

SH: Yeah, milk. It's really good for you. White liquid comes from a cow. You might have heard of it.

TC: …Do you have a belt?

SH: What?

TC: A belt! (duh)

SH: Are you …sober?

TC: I'M NOT SOBER!!!!!!

SH: …….

TC: (starts crying)I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!

SH: Have you considered therapy?

TC: (sniff)Therapy?

SH: Yeah. I think it would be good for you…

TC: (stands up) I, Tom Cruise, am going to therapy now! (leaves)

SH: That was a sober Tom Cruise….I think…

After the clip was finished, Dr. Kylee shut it off and smiled, looking quite pleased with herself. "See? I told you!"

All the boys were silent, collectively sweatdropping and looking confuzzled.

Finally, Quatre tentatively raised his hand. "Umm…Ma'am? What did that have to do with anything?"

The psychiatrist looked at him like he was an idiot and sighed. "Like I said before, it shows how therapy helps people. Duh. Such a stupid boy…"

The blonde's aquamarine eyes filled with tears and he began sniffling quietly to himself. Trowa uncertainly patted the other boy's shoulder twice, completely unsure of how to handle a sniveling, feminine sixteen year old boy who watched chick flicks and ate chocolate in his spare time.

Wufei glared at the doctor. "You have made Winner cry, you foul Woman! Injustice!"

The doctor, despite being the only female present, looked around. "Who made him cry? That wasn't very nice..."

Duo, for once, was speechless. His mouth hung open in most unnatural way, which agitated Heero, who leaned over quickly to push the braided boy's jaw into its anatomically correct position. Duo shook his head to clear his stupor and pointed a finger at the woman. "You…You're crazier than us!"

"Why do you think I got assigned to group therapy?" she remarked bitterly.

There was another uncomfortable silence. Certainly seemed to be a lot of those recently…

Again, it was Quatre who broke it. "Um, well…we're supposed to be here to talk about our problems…"

Exhaling loudly, Dr. Kylee glared at an indeterminate spot on the wall between Duo and Wufei. "You know, I'm sick and tired of people coming in here complaining about their problems! No one ever asks about how_ I'm_ doing!"

"Er…okay. How are you doing?" Duo ventured with a little grin.

"Why should I tell you? I don't talk about my problems, anyway. I beat up things."

"Man, she's worse than you, Wuffers."

"Do not call me 'Wuffers' if you wish to live, Maxwell."

The braided teen whose life was in question only stuck his tongue out immaturely and made a sufficiently rude noise to make himself feel avenged for the threat.

Trowa snorted quietly before looking out the tiny, high-up window. In many ways, they still were children. Child-soldiers. They---

His internal and properly angsty monologue was totally, utterly and irrevocably ruined when the therapist jumped up onto her chair and began singing loudly and rather off key. "This is the song that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on, my friends. Some people starting singing it, not knowing what it was. And they'll continue sing--"

All five teens automatically reached for nonexistent guns. Finding none, Duo threw a chair at her, which effectively shut her up for the time being. In fact, she looked just a touch woozy. The therapist picked herself off the floor and tried to focus on one of them. "Awright. Wh-who did thaa-at?" She stumbled the slightest bit as she tried to sit down again. She managed to accomplish her self-appointed task, but she did lean a little to the side.

Trowa pointed to Heero, Heero pointed to Wufei, Wufei pointed to Quatre and Quatre pointed at Duo. Duo also pointed to himself. When everyone stared at him, he shrugged. "What? Never tell a lie and all that, yanno?"

The other pilots shook their heads ruefully. That boy…

The Doctor finally managed to properly right herself and blinked. "Ummm. Where were we?"

"You were just telling us how you're crazy and how you're plotting to take over the world," Wufei muttered.

"Oh, yes! Thank you. Y'see, I'll get an army of emo squirrels and we'll…..wait….that's top secret military planning! I wasn't telling you that. " Her eyes widened and she couched behind her chair, peering around it at them. "Sssspieeesss," she hissed, rather creepily.

The boys blinked at her.

"I think the doctors hate us," Quatre whimpered.

The others nodded. Why else would they send them to this……….maniac?

Duo rubbed at his nose momentarily before proposing, "How about we just go now? And tell Zechs and Une where they can find a good shrink."

An immediate round of agreement, and the five boys were gone.

"Awwww. Now there's no one to play with. Well , I'll get them, the pretties and their little Gundam models too," 'Dr.' Kylee cackled.

In the parking lot, the boys shivered.


	3. in Which Quatre  Infallibly Innocent

A/N: Kudos to the man who came up with this riddle. I can't remember his name.

In Which Quatre is Proven Infallibly Innocent

"Damn, but that Quatre is so...so…_innocent_," Duo grumbled, swinging his arms over hsis head in exasperation as he walked into the room.

Wufei glanced in the other pilot's direction. "Don't tell me you forgot that he killed thousands. Plus he's in a sexual relationship with his boyfriend. And remember when he went ZERO on us?"

Duo nodded, pouting a moment before hr suddenly brightened and stood straight. Not a good sign. "Wanna bet?"

"Uh…no." The Chinese teen thought this might be a good time to retire to his room.

"Aw, C'mon, 'Fei! Ten bucks."

Wufei had a flash of inspiration. "If he's not as innocent as you think he is, you can't say a word for a week."

"Then I up my stakes. You have to go out with me on the town."

"Two weeks."

"Dinner and movie."

"A month."

"Dinner, a movie, and laser tag."

"A month and you clean your dump of a room."

"Dinner, a movie, laser tag, and a good fuck .You being uke."

There was silence a moment, then "Deal."

Grinning exultantly, Duo jumped off the couch and padded down the hall to the library, with Wufei trailing behind. Quatre was sitting cross-legged on the floor, chortling happily to himself as he read a book with unicorns, bunnies and rainbows on the cover.

Wufei had a sinking feeling that he'd lost.

The braided teen crouched down in front of the blond. "Hey, Q-ty?"

"Yeah?" Quatre's bright aquamarine eyes looked up from the book to focus in Duo's face.

"Okay, Q-ster. I have a riddle. What starts with F, ends in K and has UC in the middle?"

The Arab looked thoughtful a moment, then smiled brightly. "I know! Firetruck!" He went back to his book, obviously pleased with himself.

The chestnut haired teen looked almost surprised for a moment, but leered over at Wufei. "Go get your jacket, Wu-bear."


	4. In Which there is The Wedding Sketch

Xtra Disclaimer: This sketch belongs to the geniuses that are Monty Python. Of course Duo play's Eric Idle's part…/snicker/

In Which there is 'The Wedding' Sketch

_/Duo is standing behind his desk at the marriage registry place/_

_/Wufei walks in/_

Wufei: Excuse me, I want to get married.

Duo: I'm afraid I'm already married, Sir.

Wufei: No, no, I just want to get married.

Duo: _/looks thoughtful/_ I could get a divorce, I suppose. But it would be a bit of a wrench….

Wufei: No no no, that won't be necessary because--

Duo: See, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours? Because I've just got a big mortgage…

Wufei: No, I want to get married _here_.

Duo/_looks disappointed/_ Oh dear, I had my heart set on a church wedding.

Wufei: Look, I just want _you_ to marry _me_ to--

Duo: I want to marry you too, sir, but it's not as simple as that. You're sure you want to get married?

Wufei: Yes, and I want to get married very quickly.

Duo: Suits me, sir, suits me. _/nodding/_

Wufei:_/getting anxious/ _No, I don't want to marry _you_, I—

Duo: There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.

Wufei: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.

Duo: I _will_ marry you, sir, but please make up your mind. Please _don't_ trifle with my affections.

Wufei: I'm sorry but—

Duo: That's all right, sir. I forgive you – lover's tiff. You're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.

Wufei: Look, I'm already _engaged_

Duo: . Yes, and I'm already married…still, we'll get around it!

_/Quatre walks in /_

Quatre: Good morning, I want to get married.

Duo: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.

Quatre: _/looks at Wufei/_ Well, can I get married after him?

Duo: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen…

_/ Trowa walks up to desk/_

Trowa: I want to get married, please.

Duo: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it? All right. _/claps hands/_ You'll have to wait till I've married these two, sir.

Trowa: What, these two getting married?

_/Trowa looks at Wufei and Quatre/_

Trowa: Quatre, what are you doing marrying him?

Duo: He's marrying me first, sir.

Trowa: He's engaged to _me_!

_/Heero walks onstage/_

Heero: Come on, Duo.

Duo: Blimey, the wife.

Wufei/_to Heero/ _Will _you_ marry me?

Heero: I'm already married.

/_A picture of the 5 standing with arms linked in front of a house comes on screen/_

Narrator: Well, things turned out all right in the end. But you mustn't ask how, because it's _naughty_. They're all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.

And now for something completely different…..


End file.
